How to keep Obnoxious Kids from Bugging You!
God, I hate other people’s children!
My own are well-behaved and we don’t take them to age inappropriate places. But clearly, we’re the exception.
Long ago, I learned a single
sentence that sends obnoxious juniors away from me as fast as their
little legs will carry them. Here it is:
Lean over to the child’s watcher and, as politely as you possibly can, just say,
“According to the terms of my parole, I’m not really supposed to be this close to children”.
Mom, Dad, or whoever they pawned off their hell-spawn onto will
immediately grab the little devil and exit your presence!! I’ve done
this about a dozen times and it always works. When you speak the magic
words, say them as normally and friendly as you can muster and the
resulting freak-out effect will be even greater. I like to look into
their eyes and touch their arm when I say it. The moment when the
meaning of the kind-sounding words penetrates the brain is totally
priceless. Even better tho is the undisturbed silence that follows. No Muss, no Fuss, all Wuss!
Any
other adults around will be just as relieved by the restoration of
peace as you are. If the remaining adults give you a funny look, just
smile, wink, tell ‘em it ain’t really true and that the irresponsible
guardian shouldn’t have brung their undisciplined brat to an adult
event in the first place. An eyeroll from the wife also helps smooth
things over. Most simply chuckle and are just grateful the screaming
baby is now doing it somewhere else.
Keep
in mind that location is the key to this strategy. It works great where
kids aren’t supposed to be, such as a nice restaurant or movie theater.
However, if you’re at McDonald’s or the movie playing is Shrek and you
try casting this kid negation spell, expect a visit from Officer
Not-So-Friendly in the near future (of course, you won’t be in any real
trouble since it’s not true, but who wants to waste time explaining at
the police station). In other words, it is a perfect anti-kid charm
when children are where they probably shouldn’t be but don’t try it
where kids can naturally be expected. I assure you that anyone who
brings a two year old to an R rated movie at 9 o’clock on a weeknight,
will NOT be calling the cops. But even if they do and even if you were
actually a paroled sex offender, you still have a right to go out in
public (just not to the neighborhood playground). A beat cop doesn’t
know what the exact terms of your parole are (like how many feet away
exactly), so how can he be expected to enforce them. His likely
solution would be to separate the child from you just to be on the safe
side and sort out the details later. Since this is what we wanted all
along, it’s still a win.
(This article went to at least #4 on the Reddit front page, and was the second most viewed article in ThisIsBy.Us history. It has been blogged about in the New York Times, and Wired magazine).